Taking a couple of paracetamol isn’t quite going to cut the mustard when it comes to healing a bullet wound or fixing a fractured skull but imagine if there was a miracle medicine that could cure any ailment that wants to dispose of our fragile bodies. This edition of IRL is going to consider just that, some of the medical marvels in videogames that would truly revolutionise modern medicine if they were to exist in the pesky thing we call reality.
Stimpacks
Trudging across a post-apocalyptic American wasteland, where radiation is nearly as abundant as air, and raider attacks are more frequent than sun in California, is not great for the old ticker. At the end of the day, as the sun sets, you’ll likely be low on health, with several crippled limbs to boot. But wait, what’s this in your inventory? That’s right it’s a stimpack! These magical syringes, containing potions far beyond our comprehension, can instantly heal any crippled limbs and restore you to tip-top condition.
There aren’t any number of radiated beasties, or bandits alike, that will keep you down if you’re stocked up on a few of these bad boys- provided they don’t kill you before you can inject yourself.
If stimpacks existed in the real world, the positives are clear to see, however, always be sure to check the needle is clean, don’t want to make things worse. Oh, and don’t think you’ll suddenly be invulnerable, they heal crippled limbs, not missing ones! Still, would have been handy to keep a few of these in the house whilst I was learning to ride a bike, would have save A LOT of unnecessary crying (until I saw the needle, that is).
Nanotech
Saving the galaxy over a dozen times, all whilst packing one of the craziest arsenals to date, surely takes its toll. But whether Ratchet and Clank take a beating during one of their epic space adventures or are simply clumsy when changing the warp engine of their ship, there’s one thing the pair can always rely on to get them back on their feet- nanotech. It’s featured in every Ratchet and Clank game for a reason, it’s the greatest remedy Insomniac Games has to offer us.
Varying in colour, dependent on potency or the continuity at the time, this cure-all solution can easily keep even the most active of our heroes on their feet. However, many of the characters in the Ratchet and Clank universe seem to overlook the fact that to obtain this precious substance means potentially smashing open the glass container it’s housed within. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure glass can slice skin open. Then again, the nanotech would just heal it right up.
Seeing as nanotech appears to simply absorb through your skin, the thought of not having to stick a giant needle in myself is a far more comforting thought. If everyone just made sure to clean away the shattered glass responsibly, then nanotech seems like a pretty groovy medicine to have in the real world.
Magical Elixirs
The Order 1886 didn’t live up to the expectations many gamers had for it. However, were the vials that all the knights seemed to carry with them – each containing a magical liquid that brought our heroes back from the brink of death – a reality, then we’d certainly have a better chance of fighting beasties and illness. Werewolf bites and vampire claw marks are mere child’s play for our trusty knights, who also have the benefit of extended life thanks to this magical potion.
Never mind the actual lack of werewolves in the real world (that we know), or the fact I’ll never have a moustache as impressive as some of the main characters in the game, just give me a bottle of this good stuff and I’ll call it quits. A few extra years on this planet doesn’t seem all that bad, I imagine they’ll invent even more flavours of ice cream in that time too!
Juggernog
Tank Dempsey is a hard man to kill. His favourite drink is Juggernog and he clearly understands the health benefits contained within its red bottle. Not only does juggernog grant you regenerative abilities, but it also makes you more resilient to pain and damage in the first place. As an added bonus, thanks to in-game quotes, juggernog tastes pretty damn good. I imagine it’s like a fruity bottle of lemonade- delicious.
The internet has allowed fans to make their own custom design perk bottles, and if you’ve got the cash to spare then they are definitely worth buying. Be warned though, you may not actually gain the powers each perk is meant to bestow upon the drinker and it’s best you realise juggernog is a fictional product of the Call of Duty world. Nobody lives forever.
The Lazarus Project
The final entry on this list is going to be short and sweet. The Mass Effect universe contains a machine capable of bringing people back to life from a single tissue. Don’t believe me? Well then just go and play Mass Effect 2 and be proven wrong. The potential of this machine would be incredible, most notably I’d create an army of clones that could do some of this writing for me so I can actually get some sleep.
Seriously though, expensive though it would likely be, the implications of a real-life Lazarus machine could be phenomenal. Let us all just pray it doesn’t go haywire and we end up like Mark Gatiss in that episode of Doctor Who. Yikes.
Well there we have it, a handful of gaming medicines that could one day find themselves under our Christmas trees. Or rather as cures for various afflictions, wrapping up a Lazarus machine could be tricky. Although, I wouldn’t say no to a juggernog to enjoy with Christmas dinner. Delicious.
Dualshocks and Daydreams 